bEaUTiFuL oBLiViON

1:24pm: Unemployment: Day 1
i'm thinking in honour of being unemployed, i'm going to do this "30 day" thing stolen from paranoiaebw

( Day 01 and the list if anyone else wants to do it too! )

5:30pm: i can't get out the words

6:36pm: "Sometimes we fall asleep, get lost, or forget that we are such splendid, forgivable, adorable souls. We step into lives that aren't ours, make choices that aren't nourishing, or dance stiffly for years with the wrong partner, or parts of ourselves. Some say life is short. I say, life is TALL -- grab a straw!"

-SARK from "The Bodacious Book of Succulence"

5:02pm: birthday shout out goes to lanj8407!!

happy birthday to yooooou!

1:58pm: it's a beautiful sunday afternoon
the house is quiet, i can play music however loud i want
the cats are behaving, laundry is on the go

life is good

9:05pm: "you deserve the best, expect nothing less"
i feel like

singing in a crowd
painting
napping all day long
drinking tons of caffiene
hugging all of my coworkers
going on a real date with Rob
going out drinking
finding passion
talking to Pat
laughing til my stomach hurts
"ready to run"
seeing it differently
letting it go

8:59pm: things haven't been perfect lately but i'm trying my best

i just feel a bit disheartened

"you might be a big fish in a little pond
doesn't mean you've won
'cause along may come
a bigger one"

11:08pm: the fixer - pearl jam
When somethings dark, let me shed a little light on it
When somethings cold, let me put a little fire on it
If somethings old, I wanna put a bit of shine on it
When somethings gone, I wanna fight to get it back again

When somethings broke, I wanna put a bit of fixin on it
When somethings bored, I wanna put a little exciting on it
If somethings low, I wanna put a little high on it
When somethings lost, I wanna fight to get it back again

When signals cross, I wanna put a little straight on it
If there's no love, I wanna try to love again

I’ll say your prayers, I’ll take your side
I'll find us a way to make light
I'll dig your grave, we'll dance and sing
What's saved could be one last lifetime

Hey, hey, hey
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, fight to get it back again

7:44pm: will i ever be satisfied?
Coldplay - Lost

Just because I'm losing
Doesn't mean I'm lost
Doesn't mean I'll stop
Doesn't mean I will cross

Just because I'm hurting
Doesn't mean I'm hurt
Doesn't mean I didn't get what I deserve
No better and no worse

I just got lost
Every river that I've tried to cross
And every door I ever tried was locked
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off...

You might be a big fish
In a little pond
Doesn't mean you've won
'Cause along may come
A bigger one
And you'll be lost

Every river that you tried to cross
Every gun you ever held went off
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the firing starts
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off

6:32pm: boring::: maybe not be suitable to keep all audiences interested haha
Anthony inspired me to write a bit about all of my jobs... i find it very interesting to hear these bits of information about people

( my 'jobstory' (like history but jobs) )

6:17pm: ( more random pics )

5:32pm: to answer Amy's question ~
I am thankful for:

my house
being able to say *my* house haha
kitty when she's sleeping
having lots of boys around to help me with whatever i need help with
Jen living around the corner
letters in the mail
my lovely saint john friends <3
a drink now and then
spending too much money because that means i'm doing ok (even though i should not be spending ANY!!)
some savings
my wonderful patient caring always there for me parents
my brother and sister
my car is currently working
phone chats with friends
watching my nieces and nephew grow
baking
clean laundry, cozy blankets
Rob ~ he loves me when i'm at my most unloveable and never fails to be there when i need him
my university education
being employed
friends parents ~ had a chat with Danielle's dad today at the market, got to see Jen's parents this afternoon <3
they've all seen us through a lot in our lives together and for that i am so thankful ~ all the meals made, snacks supplied, drives given, rants listened to, moves completed - thank goodness!

6:56pm: i just need to let it go and enjoy life

8:48pm: ( 50 Random Questions )

12:22am: i want to be swept off my feet

3:25pm: i alternate in between being excited to move and having money panics... i figure it will come, i should just try to enjoy the moment, i'll never be buying my first house ever again! i'm trying to be positive broke! as long i can put gas in the car still *crosses fingers*

woo for being maxxed in every possible way!

5:12pm: PS --
i really have some amazing friends

for realz.

8:48pm: "worry is useless and wasteful in times like these"
i spend wayyy too much time worrying

"Every faculty and virtue I possess can be used as an instrument with which to worry myself."

about what other people think
about money
about the future
about my weight
about job security
about anything and everything really

i need to just let it go

i am incredibly nervous and excited about what's to come
sometimes i feel like throwing up and other times i'm happy
but all times lately i'm just exhausted

Rob's gone for the evening and i'm just relaxing alone... it's nice
i might even watch tv... i can't remember the last time i just watched some tv

i think i will have a very good birthday this year if all goes well... try to ring in 25 in style... drunken style that is. i hope you'll all be there.

“We spend precious hours fearing the inevitable. It would be wise to use that time adoring our families, cherishing our friends, and living our lives.”

7:42pm: i
cannot
wait
until
vacation
week

10:55pm: i felt the need to also post this
BEING TWENTY - SOMETHING

They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you stop
going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many
things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start
feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then
get scared because you barely know where you are now. You start
realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that
you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you
have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the
most important ones. What you don't recognize is that they are realizing
that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that
they are as confused as you. You look at your job... and it is not even
close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking
for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the
bottom and that scares you. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see
what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because
suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and
are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what
isn't. One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh
and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared
and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to
the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting
further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you
are or move forward. You got your heart broken and wonder how someone
you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why
you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better.
Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure
out why you are doing this because you know that you aren't a bad
person. One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap.
Getting wasted and acting like an idiot doesn't seem as fun. You go
through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with
your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to
make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a
life for yourself... and while winning the race would be great, right
now you'd just like to be a contender! What you may not realize is that
everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times
and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole
thing out.

*Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away*

11:49am: "crushed... from a diamond into dirt road dust"
this isn't what i pictured being almost 25 would be like

5:36pm: today i'm feeling anxious
about being grown up and spread apart
even the small amount of people left in fredericton and area are spread so far
i'm feeling very not on track or no track at all
i'm just living week to week

does anyone have any plans? for life?

i've been trying my best to see my friends and family as often as i can... i get so lonely and worried... i clearly think too much.

also i spend way too much. i have so much stuff i don't really use or don't really need... i feel like i should liquidate some crap out of my life... extra clothes, shoes, bath products, visa statments, reciepts... the tiny room i'm in can't hold all the junk i'm stuffing in it. i think i'm just buying whatever because i have no plan or purpose for my money, i feel sad in this house so spending seems to help a little.

i know i'm being judged by Rob's family about my spending, it makes me feel awkward.

i've been looking at apartments, i think we might just have get one and try our best to keep saving for an eventual house... i assume Rob's going to have to have a job eventually, right?

i've had the urge to go biking lately... i wish i can afford one, hopefully soon! my sister did have my old one, i should see if she still has it/it still functions, haha.

7:49pm: i promise to have something more of interest to say soon... until then i thought this was interesting so i stole it from Lisa!

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10:29pm: "sitting, waiting, wishing"
i am exhausted of being exhausted and tired of treading water financially, life wise...

i just want the universe to give Rob a break. when is the job going to happen?

i just want to move forward... i know it's silly but my horoscope said "don't just sit idle because you are unsure of the future" and that's exactly what i am doing...

off topic, but banana pancakes by jack johnson came on my ipod today in the car and i got to thinking -- banana pancakes are actually really gross. one day the song was stuck in my head, so i tried to make them... awful. the songs all romantic and wonderful but now it's kind of ruined because i'm thinking "eww, that'd be gross"

7:39pm: going to the chiropractor has really made my life a lot better... i am grateful every day at work when i can lift something without wincing in pain... grateful i can push it for another hour even though i'm tired because i'm not in a ton of pain anymore.

this has been a very "manly" week at work for me this week... i took hoist/crane training (certified to operate hoist/crane lifts etc for two years), dam orientation at the mataquac dam for when i start getting to run the fishway (our "fish elevator" if you will)... also, i like to say "daaaaamn" orientation [that one's for you Jen)... pressure washed for the first time... and also got my very own hard hat and safety glasses. i'm totally decking out the hard hat with stick on rhinestones. yes yes.

life is pretty good, busy always, tired always it seems.

babysat Ryan and Becky's dog Steve this week, wasn't too bad, except for Steve's constant need to lick any exposed skin on you 24/7.

going to new hampshire with mom and dad this weekend, i'm excited, i think it'll be a good time, i haven't been there since high school. Rob's never really gone anywhere in the USA so i think it'll be fun.

Rob and i spend a lot of time dreaming about house and/or new car ownership, neither of which is happening, but we can dream, right?

i'd like to conquer feeling tired all of the time... that's my next goal.




...oh how i wish... there were more hours in the day...